A jumpy-jolty Christmas past in Cavan
In my youth, I had a habit of inadvertently making my dad jump and jolt. I blame the film: The Exorcist. Aged twelve, I saw it at a Manchester Cinema (snuck in). And apart from terrifying me, it gave me a life-long aversion to mushy peas.
One pre-Christmas evening, Dad prepared a dinner of chops and spuds while I watched Blue Peter. Such was my immersion in the programme that I completely forgot to ward off an impending horror. I jumped up, ran to the kitchen and roared, “NOOOO!” Dad jumped and jolted, “For- F***s-Sake!”
I made it just in time, “Don’t put mushy peas on mine!” He spooned the peas on his plate, “Is that what had you roaring?” he asked. “Yeah, they remind me of The Exorcist, they used pea-soup to make the vomit she spews,” I explained. Dad shook his head and chuckled, “Living with you is like being in a fecking horror film.”
“Mull of Kintyre, oh mist rolling in from the sea…” sang Dad, as he readied the turkey on what was an emotion packed Christmas day in Cavan.
Mam smoothed town granny’s best cotton cloth over the table. She stepped back, “Now Gerard, you do it up nice and fancy.” A relative of Mam’s was popping by and she wanted our posh-foot forward. Thus, In the centre I placed a bottle of Mateus-Rose (that would become a candle-holder once the wine had gone). It was a multiculturally dressed Christmas table curtesy of the silk napkins with elaborately embroidered Chinese dragons. The summer before, My sister Maria had married her Bruce Lee, and they’d returned from Hong Kong with exotic gifts, including the exquisite napkins.
Once finished, Mam nodded her approval. The relative arrived and was duly impressed with my table-scaping, “Would you look at the napkins, shur I’d have them framed and hanging on the wall,” she exclaimed. Mam basked in her appreciation of our style, “We may as well use them, for the day that’s in it,” she smiled.
With her relative gone, Mam breathed a sigh – snatched the silk napkins from the glasses and said, “We won’t be using them, they’re just for show.”
Mam’s removal of the napkins addled me, the table lacked the style they added. The sound of our flushing toilet next to the kitchen distracted me from my aesthetic disappointment. Mam rushed back in and placed two toilet rolls either side of the Mateus-Rose, “They’ll do rightly,” she said, taking her seat at the table. I stared at the toilet rolls aghast; cheap ones that could sand doors, and thought, ‘Why can’t we have a little oriental glamour in our lives, for one day?’
I took my place as Dad arrived and placed a plate in front of Mam and me, “The bosses get served first,” he said, returning to the kitchen. “Doesn’t it look very professional altogether,” said Mam. And it did, beautifully cooked and carved pieces of turkey and ham starred on my plate, “It looks like what you get in a hotel,” I said.
Mam laughed as Dad arranged other dishes on the table, “Did you hear that Sean, it’s like we’re in a hotel so it is.” Dad picked up the Mateus-Rose, “Would you like to try the wine, Madam?” he asked, playing the role perfectly. Mam handed him her glass, “Now Sean, don’t pour it near the table, I don’t want anything spilled on Mammy’s good cloth, pink wine stains a terror.”
Dad was most mindful of Mam’s beloved table cloth; and of all my foodie sensitivities (Mam wasn’t). He ripped off a piece of toilet roll, held it close to the spout of the gravy-boat and carefully poured gravy onto my plate, instinctively knowing how much I like, and careful to have none of it touch the meat, “Cheers Dad,” I said, appreciatively.
I luxuriated in the simplicity of Dad’s Christmas Day meal; whilst I looked forward to watching the Wizard of Oz, afterwards. That’s when my eye caught sight of something wickedly green heading towards my plate – “MAM, NO!” I roared.
Mam jumped, jolted, and dropped the spoon, splattering her face in mushy-peas; her reaction as horrified as Father Karras from The Exorcist.
Mam and Dad looked down granny’s good cloth covered in mushy-pea-splats and exclaimed in unison – “For-F***s-Sake!”
SEASONS GREETINGS to one and all!