Finding your voice again amidst all the noise

“Use your inside voice” is how we remind children to speak quietly when the situation calls for it. As a child of the 80s I think we were probably just told to “be quiet” or “have manners” or even the dreaded “wait until I get you home”. Regardless of the means and phrasing, there comes a time for all children when we are reminded to modulate our tones and that the compulsion to express any emotion or thought at any volume is not appropriate. There’s no other way around the necessity to learn it. But what else is lost as we learn what is called for in most given social situations?

Maybe that “outside voice” that has to be dampened and squashed becomes our inner voice but, unfortunately, that too can be drowned out by the competition - the voices of the people in our lives, parents, peers, media influences, teachers and our own inner critics which, based upon our experiences, can vary in terms of their vehemence.

In adulthood, we all know people that we envy, people who are assertive and use their voice to the best possible effect. The rest of us teeter along a spectrum of manners, uncertainty, anxiety, worry and an overall wish to keep our heads at a comfortable point below the parapet.

Along the way we might have lost the sound of our inner voice. We think we know it, but then we realise that it contains the tones of someone else, that the same childhood influences still speak through us and that we actually have no idea what we might sound like or say, at the very heart of ourselves.

There are hints. Maybe it’s a scene in a film, a piece of poetry, a song, something we have written or doodled. All it needs is that moment of emotion, a catch in the throat, a breathy “yes!” from somewhere in the mind, and our voices have determinedly made themselves known. They don’t really want to be quashed, you see. Voices need to be heard and if we can’t express ours, it will find a way. Maybe that way will cripple us at the beginning, manifest as illness or despair or life decisions that we didn’t think we would ever make.

Maybe it will be a sudden obsession, or a newfound creativity. Maybe it will happen on an adventure or sitting at home on the most ordinary day in the world.

Maybe we’ll shut it out at first. Maybe we’ll laugh at ourselves or say to someone else “I had the craziest dream/thought/impulse”. Maybe we’ll suddenly have an urge to book a trip away or learn something that we never had an interest in before. Maybe we’ll become ghost hunters - holding a candle to the darkness of the past and looking for the shapes in the shadows.

In whatever way it manifests, just remember that it’s that outside voice that you once shouted and screamed and rejoiced in. Don’t lose it a second time.

SUPPORTS

If you are having a tough time at the moment and need to reach out for support, please speak to your GP or contact any of the following free 24/7 supports: Samaritans on 116 123, Pieta on 1800 247 247, Free Text Hello to 50808, email support@shine.ie or find more information on www.yourmentalhealth.ie