HEALTHWISE: How I survived five years of treatment resistant depression

Cathy Shah

See Change Ambassador

In the first half of my thirties, I struggled through a long episode of Bipolar Two depression. I had suffered from depression in my early twenties but this episode felt a lot worse. It started off with a stay in the psychiatric ward in Tallaght Hospital in my late twenties after losing my Nanna and the breakdown of a long-term relationship with my daughter’s father.

Every day during that time was a struggle to survive. I had intense psycho-somatic symptoms, which made me feel like there was a big deadweight rock stuck inside my chest, tightly crushing every part of my true self and keeping it deeply hidden away. I felt I was too sick for the treatment to ever work. My thoughts were always really negative and frightening like: “I’m stuck feeling like this forever.”

It was these constant spiralling thoughts that trapped me, that made me feel desperate as there was no way of escaping the pain I was in.

No matter how bad I felt, there was a voice inside me telling me I should never give up. I stumbled a lot on the way, suffering on and off with suicidal ideation for years. The medical systems are in no way perfect but, despite this, I found the support I needed by reaching out over and over to different places until I found what worked and was affordable for me. Reaching out over and over again for help was key to my eventual recovery. So, there is absolutely no shame in seeking help. I read a lot of personal stories where people got better to keep my hope alive. I kept a safety plan close by and for when I felt my most desperate.

I kept to a very simple daily routine and did small tiny things to keep my well-being going even if I didn’t feel like it. I also made sure to show up for my two part-time jobs no matter what. My dream of recovering and sharing my story to help others kept me going. I tried to have hobbies to distract me. I chose to start face painting as a side gig and it became an excellent distraction plus a nice source of extra income. I was able to build my confidence up and make new friends.

No matter how I was feeling I knew I had to show up for the kids’ parties I was working at. In that way it was a kind of therapy for me. It gave me a sense of purpose and focus and I gained a fun skill along the way. You must learn to recognise these voices of depression telling you to “give up, you’re worthless, you’ll never get better, you’re a burden” and separate them from your true self. They are the voices of the disease and illness of depression. They may seem very real in the moment you are going through them, but I can reassure you they are not right!

Depression is an awful disease that feels insurmountable at times. Do anything in your power to survive each day and slowly your life will turn around and you can start creating your dreams again. Never stop trying different ways to get better. Keep reaching out for support. Have patience, persevere, take small daily manageable steps and keep reaching out over and over for help so you can become empowered to help yourself and recover.

SUPPORTS

If you are having a tough time at the moment and need to reach out for support, please speak to your GP or contact any of the following free 24/7 supports: Samaritans on 116 123, Pieta on 1800 247 247, Text Hello to 50808, email phil@shine.ie or find more information online at:

www.yourmentalhealth.ie