Loving my autistic self

Being a teenage girl is challenging at the best of times but being autistic on top of that can make school life even more difficult to navigate. ÁINE O'REILLY, a Transition Year student in Carrigallen Vocational School, gives us her personal experience of life as an autistic girl in the school system...

I’ve experienced meltdowns in school for as long as I can remember. I used to get so stressed over schoolwork, over not getting 100% or not knowing what the right answer was, over feeling like all the people who called me smart were actually wrong because I couldn’t get this one question right, that I’d completely lose it. I’d start crying and freaking out and I just couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate because everyone was too loud. Even the smallest sound could set me off. It was only after I began doing one-on-one classes that I realised just how much of a difference silence made.

When I was in primary school, I began going to a special educational room to do anxiety management lessons and occasional one-on-one classes. Even now, in secondary school, I visit a resource room and do one-on-one classes. I used to be embarrassed about it. I’m not anymore. It’s made a major positive difference in my life.

When I first started bouncing my leg under the table and fiddling with pens, years ago, I didn’t even notice it. I didn’t know what it was, just that it was fun and calming and it helped me concentrate. I wouldn’t learn the word ‘stim’ until years later. It was only around two years ago that I began using fidgets to help regulate myself. I’m allowed to use them in class if need be, and nobody bats an eyelid. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for that.

I’ve always struggled with socialising. I’m too honest, too awkward and I’ve never had a lot in common with my peers. Friends? I’ve had a few good friends, definitely, but occasionally feel like an outsider. Entering a room can feel incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like everybody’s staring at me. When I was in primary school, while everyone else was playing or talking during lunch time, I preferred running around aimlessly on the yard, imagining stories inside my head. I was happy like that.

I still don’t go outside. Instead I stay in the resource room with a small group of friends. In the beginning I felt just as awkward there as I did anywhere else. Overtime, it really began to feel like home. There’s a real community atmosphere in there.

I’ve struggled with accepting accommodations, even when I really needed them. I thought it was embarrassing, that they made me look incompetent. I don’t feel that way anymore. Certain accommodations, like one-on-one classes or not having to do homework, have really helped me to thrive.

My teachers have helped to cultivate a personalised environment that allows me to grow and advance my skills. It’s helped to remind me about the many positive qualities about myself, like my skills in maths and in creative writing, which is made better when I can integrate my many special interests into it, and my resilience and determination to make a positive change in the world.

I’ve advanced my skills by entering competitions and making educational Powerpoints. I’ve gained new ones like photography, poetry and digital art. I’ve gained more confidence in myself and in my abilities. I have grown as a person. I still face challenges, like anxiety surrounding studying, but doesn’t everyone? I can honestly say that learning to understand and accept myself as an autistic person has had a significant positive impact on my life.

Thank you to my family, my teachers and all the people who helped me get the opportunity to write this piece. I couldn’t be more grateful.