Cavan to join Wave of Light
Cavan General Hospital and the Church of Ireland in Belturbet are among a number of properties lighting up tomorrow (Tuesday) for Wave of Light to coincide with the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week.
Pregnancy or infant loss is a devastating experience for everyone who was looking forward to welcoming a new member to the family.
Yet, while everyone talks ad infinitum about most things pregnancy- and baby-related, many keep mum when it comes to loss. This silence masks not only how common loss actually is (an estimated one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and one in 200 ends in stillbirth), but can make those who experience it feel utterly alone.
Tomorrow (Tuesday), October 15, is international Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day for people to grieve visibly, to seek support and to unite around the world by creating a global ‘Wave of Light’ as families light candles at 7pm local time.
This year, for the first time in Ireland, prominent buildings across the country will also light up in pink and blue as part of an international ‘Wave of Light’. Cavan General Campaign is part of this campaign.
“We want everyone to feel that their baby matters”
Nina Doyle is the main organiser of the Irish leg of ‘Wave of Light’ on behalf of Féileacáin (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Association of Ireland). Nina and her husband Alan lost their twins Liam and Grace last March after Nina went into premature labour. She was 22 weeks and six days into her pregnancy. You can read Nina's story below.
Féileacáin hopes that the lighting up of landmark buildings, such as Dublin City Council Civic Offices, Heuston Station and Holles Street Maternity Hospital, will spark conversations about baby loss and the support available for people affected by stillbirth, neonatal death and miscarriage.
“Lighting up the buildings is for all babies who have passed on. Prior to Liam and Grace, I had three miscarriages. When you have a miscarriage that sense of loss and grief is there. I wouldn’t compare it to losing Liam and Grace but it is still a very significant and traumatic loss for everybody. So the buildings being lit up are for people with miscarriages, stillbirths, neonatal deaths. We want everyone to feel that the buildings are lighting up for their baby, that their baby matters. It’s for everybody,” Nina explains.
About Feileacáin
Féileacáin was formed by bereaved parents in 2009. Its volunteers provide a range of services, including support meetings, memory boxes (over 800 were given out to families last year) and free counseling for parents and siblings.
It has also funded the provision of cuddle cots in every maternity unit in the country. A chilled bassinet, a cuddle cot extends the amount of time that grieving parents can spend with their child. Many parents use the cuddle cot to bring their baby home to wake them.
Marie Cregan is the chairperson and one of the founding members of Féileacáin. She was moved to establish the charity due to the lack of support available when her daughter Liliana died in January 2006, just a day before she was due.
The historical stigma attached to stillbirths and neonatal deaths in this country may be largely gone; a stigma that included a refusal in many parts of the country to bury stillborn babies on consecrated ground. However, Ms Cregan says that many people are still uncomfortable sympathising with grieving parents.
“That’s what we are trying to do [with the International Wave of Light] - have a national conversation about this. People need to realise that it’s okay to go up to someone and say ‘I’m sorry your baby died’ or ‘What was your baby’s name?’.
“If the person cries maybe they have tears in their eyes but they have music in their heart because you mentioned their child and acknowledge their loss. You are not upsetting people. You are giving them a chance to mourn and to grieve.
“Some people also think that because it’s a baby it can’t be as bad a loss. All we can say is that when your baby dies you are forever dreaming of what might have been. Also, the baby isn’t connected to a lot of other people so you are mourning alone. It can be a very isolating experience. It is incredibly difficult.
“It is probably one of the most traumatic deaths any family will go through but that isn’t recognised.”
For more information on events happening countrywide for Wave of Light please visit www.facebook.com/Feileacain or if you would like to make a donation to the charity please contact Féileacáin at www.feileacain.ie or call (028) 513 01. Féileacáin also offer a support line on (085) 249 6464.
‘The happiest and hardest day’
When Nina Doyle had her 20 week pregnancy scan and was told by her consultant in Holles Street that her twins were thriving, she and her husband Alan were elated. The Doyles had suffered three miscarriages and had gone through several rounds of IVF. To have reached this pregnancy milestone for the first time and to be able tell people their good news was both “terrifying and magical”, she says.
For parents who suffer a miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death subsequent pregnancies can be anxiety filled affairs, but Nina says that after the scan her and Alan “dared to dream”. Their dream lasted a little under three weeks. On March 23 last year, when she was 22 weeks and six days into her pregnancy, Nina went into premature labour.
Their son Liam was stillborn, while his younger sister Grace lived for 31 minutes and spent all of her short life on Nina's chest. Nina says that the day her twins were born was both the happiest and hardest day of her life. “It can be both at once. The hardest part was finding out that they were going to be born and wouldn't live, but the absolute second I saw Liam it became the best day.
“I thought: 'Oh my God, look at my perfect, gorgeous baby. It didn't matter that he wasn't breathing. He was just beautiful. Then when Grace was lying beside him, it was that sense of completeness. It was me, Alan, Liam, and Grace. I don't think it is any different from how any parent would feel when their baby was born in that moment.”
Nina and Alan got to bring Liam and Grace home to wake them thanks to the cuddle cots provided to bereaved parents by Féileacáin, the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Association of Ireland. A chilled bassinet, cuddle cots enable parents to spend longer with their children.
“My family got to meet them and Marie [Cregan, the founder of Féileacáin] came to do their prints. I didn't cry much at all, I was beaming. There were times I would look at them and it was heartbreaking but I loved it while they were there. I stayed up the whole night and played ‘This Little Piggie’ and ‘All Around The Garden’ on their feet, and took videos. It was such a special time and it's hard for people to understand.”
Nina is the main organiser of the lighting up of Irish buildings for international ‘Wave of Light’, which will see maternity hospitals and other prominent buildings all over Ireland lit up at 7pm on October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Stigma
While the stigma attached to stillbirths or neonatal death is not what it was in previous generations, many people still don't know how to react when someone they know suffers a bereavement of this type.
“I've experienced people crossing the roads and people not being able to look you in the eye and talk to you. People who congratulated me when I was pregnant and then pretended nothing at all happened.”
It can be hurtful at times, but Nina understands why some people behave that way. “We are living their worst nightmare really aren't we? It's uncomfortable for them. It's the reality that this happens. No one really wants to think about. It's nearly too much. I genuinely don't believe that people don't care. I think they absolutely do. It's just awkward. They want you to be better as well. Sometimes it can be that awkward question: 'Are you going to go again?' That's not going to fix you. It's very hard for people to understand that.
“In many ways, I feel that I am lucky that we are in this as day and age, as tough as it still is and the stigma that still exists around baby loss. I am still aware that it is better than it was. People were told to get on with it and didn't get to talk about their babies. I talk about Liam and Grace all the time. I write a blog. I connect with people. We get to share our stories whereas long ago bereaved parents were told to go home and get over it. I really want them to feel that the building being lit in their county is lighting up for their baby and to feel a connection and feel like their baby matters.
“You are hoping that it starts conversations, that it will get people talking. It might just give people an in to say 'this happened to me'.
“Holles Street is lighting up, which is where Liam and Grace were born. I just think it's amazing. You have very few places that mean something to you when a baby dies, so the hospital they were born in means a lot.
“How significant is it to feel that your baby is lighting up the sky and people telling you that your baby matters? That's what I think the Wave of Light is.”
‘Say their name’
Nina’s blog can be found at https://thewarriorandtheprincess.home.blog/
On her blog dedicated to Liam and Grace, Nina offers advice on how to support a loved one who has suffered a stillbirth or neonatal death.
An east Knockbride couple have also been involved recently in fundraising for Féileacáin. You can read their story, as previously featured in the Celt, here: